Toronto Mayor Rob Ford on Cyclists [Bike Snob]
Seriously, Why Not Just Spell It "Wensday?" I Mean Come On.
I used to think the United States in America was the world's bestest country in the world. But then I got older and learned about this place they have up north called Canada, and it turns out that Canada is beating us at everything. Their Pacific Northwest is more smug and weed-addled than our Pacific Northwest. Their French-speaking population is vastly more pretentious than our French-speaking population. And the Mayor of Toronto, Rob Ford, is a bigger idiot than any big-city mayor we have down here in Canada's scranus:
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"And what I compare bike lanes to is swimming with the sharks. Sooner or later you're going to get bitten," said Ford speaking in 2010 as a Toronto city council-member.
"And every year we have dozens of people that get hit by cars or trucks. Well, no wonder: roads are built for buses, cars, and trucks, not for people on bikes.
"My heart bleeds for them when I hear someone gets killed, but it's their own fault at the end of the day."
I'm not sure what comes out of his heart when it bleeds, but I'm assuming it's some form of custard.
In any case, now a reader tells me that Fords has been caught reading while operating one of the only vehicles large enough to contain him:
Here's how he explained it:
Reporter: "Sir, there's a picture that went out on Twitter this morning of you reading while still driving on the Gardiner [Expressway]."
Ford: "Yeah, probably. I'm busy."
Reporter: "So you read while driving?"
Ford: "Yeah, probably, yeah. I'm try[ing] to catch up on my work and you know I keep my eyes on the road, but I'm a busy man."
Reporter: "You don't see a problem doing that on the Gardiner?"
Ford: "Well, I'm busy. I got to be — I don't know what that has to do with a trade mission, but anyways. Ridiculous questions sometimes, seriously."
This further debunks his "swimming with the sharks" comments, since "sharing" the road with people like this is less like swimming with sharks and more like swimming with distracted manatees. I'd also add that my heart bleeds hummus for obese mayors from Toronto who get killed because they were reading recipes they printed out from "Bon Appétit," but it's their own fault at the end of the day. And even the police are taking him to task:
"Finally, on behalf of all the citizens of Toronto that value road safety, Mr Mayor... please get a driver. It is obvious that you are busy enough to require one and no amount of money you are saving by not having one is worth the life of one of your citizens."
In fairness to Fords, it's not an issue of money. It's more about finding a driver who can be sealed in an Escalade with Fords and not lose consciousness due to all the flatulence. Plus, the records shows that he's actually an excellent driver:
Ford in July admitted he drove past a streetcar's rear doors, and was then confronted by the operator of the streetcar.
In October, Ford was accused of illegally dialing numbers on his cellphone and talking on it as he steered his gold minivan westbound along Dundas Street West near Spadina Avenue.
And last July, the mayor denied accusations that he gave the middle finger to Ottilie Mason and her six-year-old daughter after the mother accosted him for talking on his cellphone while driving.
That little six-year-old snot had it coming I'm sure.
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(I will heretofore refer to Rob Ford as "Robs Fords," as his considerable girth technically qualifies him as plural.)
If you recall, Fords had the following to say on the subject of cyclists:
"And what I compare bike lanes to is swimming with the sharks. Sooner or later you're going to get bitten," said Ford speaking in 2010 as a Toronto city council-member.
"And every year we have dozens of people that get hit by cars or trucks. Well, no wonder: roads are built for buses, cars, and trucks, not for people on bikes.
"My heart bleeds for them when I hear someone gets killed, but it's their own fault at the end of the day."
I'm not sure what comes out of his heart when it bleeds, but I'm assuming it's some form of custard.
In any case, now a reader tells me that Fords has been caught reading while operating one of the only vehicles large enough to contain him:
Here's how he explained it:
Reporter: "Sir, there's a picture that went out on Twitter this morning of you reading while still driving on the Gardiner [Expressway]."
Ford: "Yeah, probably. I'm busy."
Reporter: "So you read while driving?"
Ford: "Yeah, probably, yeah. I'm try[ing] to catch up on my work and you know I keep my eyes on the road, but I'm a busy man."
Reporter: "You don't see a problem doing that on the Gardiner?"
Ford: "Well, I'm busy. I got to be — I don't know what that has to do with a trade mission, but anyways. Ridiculous questions sometimes, seriously."
This further debunks his "swimming with the sharks" comments, since "sharing" the road with people like this is less like swimming with sharks and more like swimming with distracted manatees. I'd also add that my heart bleeds hummus for obese mayors from Toronto who get killed because they were reading recipes they printed out from "Bon Appétit," but it's their own fault at the end of the day. And even the police are taking him to task:
"Finally, on behalf of all the citizens of Toronto that value road safety, Mr Mayor... please get a driver. It is obvious that you are busy enough to require one and no amount of money you are saving by not having one is worth the life of one of your citizens."
In fairness to Fords, it's not an issue of money. It's more about finding a driver who can be sealed in an Escalade with Fords and not lose consciousness due to all the flatulence. Plus, the records shows that he's actually an excellent driver:
Ford in July admitted he drove past a streetcar's rear doors, and was then confronted by the operator of the streetcar.
In October, Ford was accused of illegally dialing numbers on his cellphone and talking on it as he steered his gold minivan westbound along Dundas Street West near Spadina Avenue.
And last July, the mayor denied accusations that he gave the middle finger to Ottilie Mason and her six-year-old daughter after the mother accosted him for talking on his cellphone while driving.
That little six-year-old snot had it coming I'm sure.
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