Handups Are Not A Crime | Drunk Cyclist

I want to be up front and say that I really like racing cyclocross. There is something super fun about a crit on grass and turning yourself inside out for 45 minutes. Skinny tires on dirt, fast speeds, mud, snow, puke…it’s pure awesome.  But I did my last cross race 7 years ago, and it left a pretty bad taste in my mouth.
It was perfect cross weather in upstate New York. It had rained for most of the day prior, and now it was starting to snow. I toe the line for the also-ran category in typical DC form. Still a little drunk from the night before, a singlespeed, and wearing a wifebeater. I was feeling frisky so I worked my way to the front to see if I could have some fun with the hole-shot. Just then, everybody’s favorite USA Cycling official tells me I’m not racing due to a rules violation. Confused I inquire: ”Excuse me, sir. There is nothing in the rules that says I have to be sober. Besides this is cyclocross!”  He then informs me the rules clearly state that I must have sleeves in order to race and my wifebeater doesn’t have any.